OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO" OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO' OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO" OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO' OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | There Ain't No Justice | | | | #103 | | | |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| Going Crazy in the Suburbs 07: If Your Memory Serves You Well... by Hairy /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// i think maybe tonight i'll torture myself some more let's see how many skeletons are hiding in my closet each day is a struggle for oxygen for control of my form for proper posture and emotional stability home from work just another night alone wishing it wasn't this way where's my vodka? where's that orange juice? where's that girl who cared if i lived or died? been looking for her ring "are you married?" "no, it just feels like it sometimes." seems like so long ago it was just yesterday pissed it away into the cold grey memories whirrrrr the ring's nowhere to be found just as well i remember i told her to keep it when she threw it at me found the home pregnancy test remember that day we sat on the bench trying to be calm adults amidst all the childish stupidity of the circumstance april first nineteen-ninety four nine o'seven in the morning hello, fatherhood funny to meet you here at this drugstore blood stains on the mattress i can't even remember who they belong to beth i think poor poor beth my heart ate her just like all the rest /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 09/10/94 porno mags and rope and old sketches still can't find that ring hope she's well hope she's happy without me "who knows who cares who'll remember anyway?" i've got a lot of schnapps but not quite enough to hide in found the ring why did you let me do this to you why did you let me destroy your life corrode your world with my blackness what ever you do what ever you do don't let anyone like me near you again we're all the same all we know how to do is hurt take rape maim and then complain about it afterwards about how lonely we are after we've sucked the life out of you left you in a crumpled heap on the floor hate me hate everyone like me it's best that way it's best that way /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 09/13/94 intoxicated again familiar in my drunken stupor my alcohol induced unreality shhhhh be quiet, dear you're going to miss the sound of me pissing my life away into alcohol into the record industry into keeping manic panic in business into this techno mutilated hell into lesley's gaping cunt into jill's thoughtful heart i'm going to spend it all twice as bright half as long strobing catastrophes in my emotional imbalance "starvation for touch" save me save me save me from the future my maturity (ma-toor) career advancement progress it's all whittling me away into nothingness into a heap of splintered emotions half lives irradiated thoughts cancer flesh and sunken eyes and my god take it all away give me my womb back some safe hole to crawl into something anything "anything i can get" /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 11/05/94 "if your memory serves you well.." too well sorry here it comes again all that heartache and emotion strife nothingness bleak bleak desolation thanks thanks for the memories now get out of my life /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 11/08/94 sense of time fading satellite views expelled sweat and cold isoation commitments in the darkness things i wish i could forget despair failed humanity souls on the brink tortured by thoughts and misspent actions directed by driving hands of misery godless prayers and empty glances take me away into your bleak your cold cold death the stares that overlook me passed by again and again and always i thought i'd found a place to belong i found fashion and trends cosmetic surgery and one night stands death is more fulfilling than this this walking bloat these repeating thoughts night after night after night hangover recooperation intoxication the steel mill shuffle compassionless nights alone you can't escape fate you can't escape fate the only prayer is death "tormenting my soul.." i used to be artistic, you know.. i used to have big ideas, big plans. i still do, i suppose - just not as many, just not as often. it's another night alone at work.. "me, the night, and music".. i've been trying to find a way to get the two women in my life - - jill and my "every other week slut" - - together in bed. maybe then i wouldn't feel so bad about what i've been doing behind jill's back. who knows. sex is my only pastime, apparently. at least i'm (supposedly) good at. the "every other week slut" told me that i was a twelve on a scale of one to ten. if only she knew, if only she knew.. i went off and spent $200 on gargoyles and old iron candle holders and hand dipped candles and all sorts of other worthless items for jill's birthday. i didn't get her anything for christmas - i didn't get anyone anything - and i guess i'm trying to make up for it. the cat keeps attacking the units. don't they get it? the poor creature is trapped in this tiny confined place, no one plays with it, no one provides a way for it to get exercise.. poor kitty. i had this big thought a week or two ago. something i could have expanded on, got big and melodramatic with, but i never got around to it. story of my life.. it all goes back to when somebody called me "sad clown" last year sometime. i guess it just fit, somehow. some wretched creature that can't smile anymore, can't feel happiness.. wanders around with tears streaming down his cheeks, trying to make others laugh. well, i'm glad i didn't expand on it. hey, the letters will get better - - i promise. i'm just in a slump, you know.. give me time, i'm sure i'll find new and entertaining things to butcher myself with. i found out that a friend of jeff's is hiv positive a few days ago. the guy's so cynical, so bent on things. i always sort of liked him before, we saw things in the same way - sort of. i wonder if he was like this before he found out, or if he was another generic happy camper. the local "i could be bi" looking video store clerk seems to have taken some sort of fancy to me. maybe i rent things he likes, i don't know. i think i devastated him the other night, though - - i went straight for the adult section, picked the most blatantly heterosexual smut flick i could find, and right up to the counter for him to check me out. you could almost see him crumble. i don't even really know why i went and did that, i sort of like the guy. he seems genuine about things. i'd probably have a weird homosexual experience if it were dark enough, i were drunk, and i didn't have to play at some sort of relationship afterwards. i mean, i could handle a nice "one night stand" sort of situation, but i wouldn't want to - - share toothbrushes? swap underwear? you know.. you know how it is. who cares, i'm probably going to die of some sort of sexually transmitted disease anyway. maybe it'd make me more interesting. i had to actually work the other day, and managed to break off most of my favorite finger nails. now all the hillbillies are going to get confused - - they used to look at my long nails, take into consideration that i wear fishnets and lots of black, bracelets and jewelry.. i'm shy.. well, the popular consensus seems to be that i'm queer as queer can be. now most of the nails are gone, except the socially acceptable "coke" nails, so they're going to start to think i'm heterosexual. i just can't have this - i just can't confuse these poor farmers - who knows what might happen? i'd better start wearing a stuffed bra to work to make them rest at ease. la, la, la. really, the letters will get better. time, that's what i need - more time. "talking in my sleep again.." had a horrible toothache this morning. i didn't get home until two in the morning anyway, and the pain kept me awake until seven. i slept a few hours, it woke me back up again. it was horrible. i thought about offing myself, it was scary. i suffered through it, i suffer through everything. no one realizes how strong the silent miserable people are. ok - i'm not going to be close-minded - i know that everyone goes through pain now and then. emotional, physical, whatever - it effects everyone. i just feel that if the typical "happy happy happy" person went through what most of us (us, the silent miserable people) go through, they'd freak out. they'd go on those cross-country murder sprees, or enter the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes four hundred times. they'd just loose it. i'm talking out of my ass again, aren't i always. i make my world what it is, and i'm the one who wallows in it. i should stop bitching. maybe i'll get three jobs to keep me occupied. i bought a pair of fishnet tights while i was on my little shopping extravaganza. i ran home and snipped the crotch out of them, put my head through the hole, and stuck my arms where the legs should have went. i threw a long black skirt over my clothes, put on my tail coat - - "i haven't been out in ages.." i thought. i'm going out tomorrow, come hell or high water, i'm going to get out of this "work - sleep - work" routine. maybe i'll pick up where i left off, maybe i'll find some innocent little girl's heart and crush it. sounds like something i'd do. "sometimes you take it all too far then i remember it's a game between you and me" i guess i'm back to my old quotation game. sigh. i still haven't written to that girl in florida. maybe i don't feel so guilty about it after all? i bought a postcard and decided i could at least send her that, i could at least fill the back of a postcard with something - anything. it still hasn't happened.. i'm going to end up moving wherever i can find a nice $500-$600 rent. it doesn't even matter anymore, nothing matters. nothing has ever mattered, what am i talking about? blah, blah, blah. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 1/31/95 hi how are you i'm falling apart again depression and intoxication at the limelight not much more to say same shit different day all those faces fuck them i'm dying --- we all play our little games don't we? flirts and stares flirts and stares vincent, vincent my boy pour me another drink, vincent and feed my soul /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// february 8th..? maybe..? there's a new siouxsie album / tour on the way, but being the big siouxsie fan as you are, i'd guess you know this. she's played a few shows in england already, sort of to "build for the event", and they were (supposedly) very good. blah, blah, blah. i'm at work again. it's almost midnight again. blah, blah, blah. well, i'd love to deliver on the promises i made about "this week's issue," but i don't think i can, really. not much has happened. well.. let's see.. jill and i were pronounced "defunct" last wednesday. i was laying in bed half awake after spending the night at the limelight. (yes, i did actually go out. first time in close to three months. wheeee!) something was bothering her. i kept nagging, and eventually she told me. i guess i should have gotten upset, but i was very supportive at the time, petting her head and telling her everything would be alright. i wondered why i was being so strong. i figured in a few days i was going to be swirling around in this ocean of sorrow and loneliness. i amaze myself, sometimes. anyway, life went on. no real sorrow, no real regrets. i guess our relationship was dissolved a long time ago in my mind - - i guess? it was. i gave up a long time ago, and i guess i'm a bastard for that. who cares, i don't care, i don't even feel, how can i be expected to care? soon it was wednesday night, and i was sitting around trying not to disturb my skin condition (another story i'll soon tell). jill pops in the room, giggle giggle giggle, and ruins my enjoyment of "unsolved mysteries" on the tube. "i got lonely," she says. we proceeded to do the typical things.. lay on the bed and talk, lay on the bed and fuck, lay on the bed and sleep. so much for "defunctitude". in a way, i was sort of sad it had all ended so quickly. i really have forgotten what other people are like. i can't remember what it feels like to fall in love, all of those things. friday i ended up going to the bank and squashing some girl's heart, or near-squashing it, so i guess i'm back to where i was awhile ago. (close to squashing it, i'd say, because i gave her lots of warning and honesty. "i hurt everyone," i told her, "i'm sick of it. i want to know all about you, and at the same time i don't even want to know your name." i don't think she got it, don't think she understood. "do you want my phone number?" she asked. "no, i'll never call you," i told her. i didn't mean to be cold, i meant to be honest. maybe honesty hurts, i don't know. she didn't seem all that saddened, maybe shocked.. the only thing that weighs on me is that she doesn't even really interest me - none of them do - it's just the "thrill of the chase" i guess. shit, listen to me. mister studboy, mister "i can have any girl i want." i'm so full of shit. i just like the feeling of being loved, knowing (or thinking) that people care. pfffft. skin condition: i've had this itchy thing on my upper thigh for the past year and a half. it just sort of lived there, got a little flaky, itched once in awhile. i went to a dermatologist for an unrelated bit of nastiness in the same general area last summer, and he didn't think anything of my flaked skin. well - - he should have. i seemed to have had "ringworm" (insert "variant of jock itch" or "tinea", whichever will make you less queasy). it got spectacularly itchy a week or so ago, i scratched the hell out of it (with my half inch fingernails), drew blood, and managed to give myself a bacterial infection (yay!) in the form of medium-sized puss filled sores all up and down both my thighs. yes, this was alarming. yes, this was a pain in my ass. yes, i went out and promptly spent $200 on doctors and prescriptions. joy, joy, joy. we're a poor family, you know, no health insurance, no insurance whatsoever. sigh. hmm. what else has happened? this is only two pages - this is not an acceptable letter. skin condition.. defunctitude.. mmm..? i'll ramble, that's what i'll do. you get to missing me if i don't write, eh? well - i don't mean to tell the truth here or anything, but i get a little lonely when i don't hear from you, too. i'm not going to go into the whole "special person, blah blah blah" speech again.. jill, teli & i don't "have sex" together. that was sort of a fluke, that. from what i remember, jill and i were "going at it" one afternoon, and teli decided to let himself in. we stopped, but didn't really make much effort to get out of bed. after awhile, teli sat on the edge of the bed, and we all talked. maybe i started it - i don't know - but it happened. i was "going at it" with jill, while teli sucked on her breasts. this would have been fine, except that teli is a virgin. he has no scope of what he's doing. he's almost afraid of sex, even. jill was enjoying herself, not so much because of what was going on, but just because of the idea of it all. afterwards, teli went home. he never really progressed farther than breasts, which was just fine with all of us. jill & i sat there and reflected on it - - it was a pretty disgusting event that was not going to be repeated. my "every other week" slut has (hopefully) been removed from my life. it was fun for awhile, nobody got hurt.. no point in that, though. hah! hah! we've got lots of computers at work (thanks to me). i'm standing here typing you this letter on one, and when i run out of things to say, i sit down at the desk behind me and do the trendy thing, "surf the internet". that's right, the "information superhighway", the "infobahn".. the big buzzword for technology. anyway - - it's got it's amusing side. people (mostly college students) have this warped sense of humor that always makes me laugh. someone was written a computerized "magic eightball", where you ask it the question, it thinks about it, and shows you a pretty picture of the eightball with your answer in the center. so, after i wrote the first few lines up there ^^, i asked it "will m & i ever 'get together'?" and went back to writing. i just turned around and looked, and there's the eightball saying, "most likely". blah, blah, blah. i don't trust machines anyway. i bought the new siouxsie single, "stargazer". it's in a pretty foldout case with lots of sparkles. haven't listened to it yet - - i probably should. overpriced imports. well, it sounds.. hmmm. that twangy folk guitar.. hmm.. yeeeek! it sounds like a trendy alternative song. it sounds like "beck"! yow! the box sure is pretty.. i like your letters, actually. i like the ink and the paper and writing by hand and all that. it's very honest, very genuine. i imagine my letters are more mechanical looking, very cold and forbidding. maybe they look nice, but i still think they're not as "real" as handwritten ones. i'd write by hand, but it just isn't fast enough. i think i actually found a plan for the future. i was fairly impressed with myself. it isn't much, you know, but it's something. ..fix the car so that it's actually usable by humans ..save some money ..move to a cheap studio up around essex/hudson county ..get temp work in the city three days a week ..work the record store the other four to pay rent/food ..worm my way into a decent place in the city ..drop the record store ..work your life away, but atleast live closer to the city what a plan. i found a realty guide somewhere, the apartments up there really are pretty cheap. yay. i just found a list of 150 different ways to refer to a condom. the best, in my opinion is either "child proof lid" or (i love this one) "mister log's sex hat." you be the judge. i'm telling you, that sure is a pretty box for that siouxsie single.. we're selling nasty nasty incense here now, and it stinks up the place. somebody decided to name them horrible things, like "sex on the beach". just hideous. mister log's sex hat. hahahah. i hope you're well, physically and emotionally and all. maybe i'll see you someday, who knows? i went to the bank last friday (day before the snow storm) to see how things had changed. i quickly realized they hadn't. same faces, same music, same everything. well, ok, a few new faces, but all the same old ones, too. maybe i do need to be "free" of jill. i really need to get out more, experience people and things. i don't know why it matters, because i can't picture myself falling in love with anyone anymore - i think i manage to kill the "magic" whenever i see it starting. it's a waste, that's all. they all go to pieces when they open their mouths. they all do, don't they? they look so quiet, so shy.. like they've got something special deep down there in them. and then they speak, and you see your error. the thing that really amazes me, is that i gave you my phone number when i was completely sober. and just right out and gave it to you, even. it's usually some kind of a big drunken game, beating around the bush until closing time. i'm such a bastard, aren't i? standing here at night with ugly shoes and blue jeans and cold hands, judging people. i'm just a bastard. anyway: you haven't fallen apart yet, and you keep speaking. i don't know exactly what this means, but it's a special thing that i'd like to hold on to for awhile, so don't up and spontaneously combust or anything, ok? ok. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// 02/10/95 fuck me fuck my worthlessness i don't want you i don't need you strong in my isolation (keep telling yourself that) oh god i'm dying and i'm calling your name? why? why? what's come over me? intoxication and fear perhaps? the lonely the desperation the starvation for touch i've killed them all killed them splintered split nothingness before me save me oh god, please you understand don't you? don't you? you understand the lonely the decay? take me away from all this somewhere safe secure hold me for this last time please you're so far away miles and miles and forever away i'm alone in this darkness so alone so alone and i'm afraid of myself anywhere anywhere please take it away make me yours whole again make me feel make me weep make me live make me breathe real air again recycled thoughts and romances brink of devastation please anything anything anything i can get ú ùþ ú ú þù ú ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²² ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û VapourWare BBS: 61/3-429-8510 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û underworld_1995.com 514/683-1894 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ RipCo ][: 312/528-5020 ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ etext.archive.etext.org ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ÝÛ²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ³ TANJ Mailing Address ³ ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ ³ PO Box 174 ³ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ ³ Seaside Hts, NJ ³ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ³ 08751 ³ ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú tanj@pms.metronj.org ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ