OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO" OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO' OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO" OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO' OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | There Ain't No Justice | | | | #116 | | | |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| - Going Crazy in the Suburbs 11: - "I'll Never Find Your Eden" by Hairy listen, listen to me: i am a fool. i write poetry in the dark, listen to depressing music, struggle with self-loathing. i drink too much vodka, try to teach myself to smoke. i grow my fingernails, study the cracks in my hands for hours, watch my future slip away. i am a fool, completely. i am persecuted for my beliefs, for being strong enough to be an individual. i try to outrun time. i spend my nights alone, stare at the same four walls, sleep without the comfort of dreams. i watch compassion walk away. i cry out for someone, anyone, anything. a touch, a kiss. meaningless gestures, forgotten by the wind - a treasure to me. look at me, look at me: i am a fool. a sad, drunk, lonely fool. raised on barbed wire and boot heals. are my tears as salty as yours? /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// got your letter today. i'm sitting here over greasy food and watered down soda, reading it. yes, my life is all fucked up. i've got no idea what's going on, or what options there are. above anything else i'm terribly lonely & depressed. the depression is average, i accept that. the loneliness just makes it worse. i think i mentioned this already in that other letter i haven't sent, that i've chased everyone out of my life again.. the more you think about being alone, the lonelier you seem to feel. the bed seems to grow larger and larger every night - it's like sleeping in the middle of a field. being all swirly and "in love" is as much a drug as anything else is, i guess. i'd much prefer that feeling, but the vodka is easier to find. i didn't realize mr. murphy was in town. ah well. thrill kill kult / lords of acid should be interesting. i don't really plan on going, but if i sink low enough inside of myself i probably will, anyway. i should get a check for $350 tomorrow. i love the government. if i had any courage or motivation, i'd take the money and disappear for a few weeks - just drive off west, somewhere - anywhere. "anywhere out of the world." i'll be able to talk myself out of it, though, by reminding myself how the car's brakes don't work, etc.. i'm sure i can think of other excuses if i actually get close to doing anything. look, dear, buy some envelopes. 88› for 100. *i* even went and bought envelopes, and i'm poor. i wish the phone would ring. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// surrounded by emotionless faces heartless chests dead impossibility i just want to be held just some compassion in this dark some kind of humanity we both know it never happens /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// i thought i had something to say, but i guess i was wrong.. hello, it's the morning (2pm). i'm sitting here drinking healthy liquids and eating advil, to make my body happier about the poisons i poured into it last night.. two days ago, when i was completely secure in my isolation, jill came by for a visit. how nice. she has such perfect timing.. she said something about not knowing whether or not we were "mad" at each other. she promptly fell asleep on my bed, and at very least i had something warm to hold onto for a night. it really didn't matter that it was her or anyone else. when you're starving to death, you'll take anything they give you.. i got $500 in the mail yesterday from the state. that never really used to seem like much when i made $300 a week, but lately it seems like a fortune. the walls are the big problem, you know? the walls.. i've been sitting here in this room for forty-five days now, and each day the walls seem to squeeze in on you.. they take whatever feelings you have, and they compress them into something a thousand times more concentrated, more disturbing. i've got to get out of this house. shit, it's saturday. i've got a hangover and it's saturday - again. time is behaving very strangely lately. when you're sitting there thinking about it, it seems to creep along at a snail's pace.. but you close your eyes and go to sleep, and suddenly it's four days later. you see, you see what i mean? it's the 12th. yesterday was the 9th. the day before that was the 4th.. have a pretty day, give chet my love. (?) /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// i bought envelopes, but i don't even have paper to print this on. i went to the batcave last night, finally. it was horrible. to begin with, i was still half hungover from the night before. i got there and had one drink, felt sick all night. lots of new faces, lots of people i hadn't seen - all of which were completely uninterested in the depressed guy in the corner. and to make the night complete, nancy & tom showed up. oh, the joy. oh, the wondrous wondrous joy. she tried to talk to me once or twice. i don't really remember what she said. it's just as well, i don't think i want to know. i remember pursing my lips at her and waving her away. some jerk who thought he was a part of "the misfits" was there. what an ugly hairstyle. i left early and got into some more acceptable attire. i wandered around for awhile, marveling at the city. i felt like shit, i looked like shit, and i belonged there. two little puerto rican women were having a fist fight around 39th street - - that was amusing for awhile. some prostitute with breasts the size of cantaloupes was wandering around 8th avenue. everyone stood around with their mouths open staring at her. she'd bend over and tease them. boredom & misery somehow fit together. i want to get my hand repierced, but i don't think mark (the piercer) would approve of redoing it before it's had time to heal. it's been about three months, i guess. i know i should wait six like the rest of the world, but i don't really feel like it. nursing my hand back to health would give me something to do. besides - - it'd probably heal better now, considering i don't do anything but type & read. i wish i had the other summer over again, that day i came to visit you. i don't care about changing anything, it'd just be nice to experience it again. you're one of the most realistic people i know, and it's somehow very special, very rare. the publishing shit never worked out, but that was to be expected. my ambition for that died as soon as i went to sleep that morning. not that it matters, anyway. jim is so burnt out on reality, it scares me. he's worse off than i am. well, in certain ways, i guess. he can actually get decent jobs if he wanted, so he's one up. but he's broken, broken like the rest of us. if i end up moving in with him, we're going to sit around and drink ourselves to death. well - - shit, it's better than rectal cancer, i guess. i've probably got no choice, anyway. relocating to a retirement village in florida doesn't sound like much fun, so i have to go somewhere. maybe i'll join the fucking army. anyway: i came home from the batcave after sleeping the alcohol off in some motel parking lot. i went back to sleep, woke up with a fever, sweating to death. so i'm sitting here now, only slightly better, with makeup still smeared all over my eyes. i'm getting all spacey and it feels like the monitor is ninety feet away. that jessica girl didn't work out, but it doesn't make a difference. the "other" jill, the one from the limelight & columbia college, finally answered some of my mail. she's been trying to develop a life outside of her computer - - good for her. she told me all about some party she was at, where she sat around with tom and his girlfriend, marta. i was so appalled at the smallness of the world, this tiny box we are all contained in. i quoted a line from barfly to her to explain tom: "he symbolizes everything that disgusts me." i sit around and stare at all these compact discs i never listen to. i paid, maybe, $12 for each of them. i sit here and think about how many meals i can have with $12.. jill ("the" jill) called to tell my machine that flash gorgeous (the guy who used to work the door at the batcave, worked at the limelight occasionally, etc) died of liver cancer. other than that, i haven't spoken to her. it's all the same, really. i went and bought henry miller. if there isn't enough drunken whoring in there, i'm going to come throw the damn thing at you. $11 is a lot of tacos, baby. well, anyway. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// got your letter, along with the car insurance bill. there's no way out.. this is my last sheet of paper, i hope i can think of something good to say. i got another message from "the other" jill. it seems that tom & nancy are dragging my name through the muck. i guess i shouldn't be surprised, considering who it's coming from, but it still bothers me. it bothers me to some horrible distant extreme. i don't feel like i'll ever go out again. i can't stand these fucking immature high school-mentality children. i just can't stand it. i want to strangle the lot of them. you'd think they'd have something better to do.. your quote is sort of funny, "talking about michealangelo." i'm pretty sure the sister's quote is a little different, "talking about the lives they know." hmmmmm. i probably butchered the spelling on that, but i'm too lazy to fix it. fucking screaming neighbors. i think jill called me last night, but i was too sick to be sure. i've been doped up on nyquil for the past 3 or 4 days, haven't been able to eat. stomach viruses are no fun. i accept the nausea as a big sign that says, "slow down, buddy" when i've had too much to drink, but dealing with it for 4 days for no reason is sort of trying.. maybe i should check the machine, i wonder what she wanted. teli's back from 8 weeks of spanish schooling in vermont. he failed half his classes. it was a large laughing waste of $5000. let me know when you start your dancing career. some questions beg to be answered.. another dry, shitty letter. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// strange, well-traveled people associations with no purpose confusing hopelessness with some kind of wisdom words writhe in the dark thoughts and feelings and other things angels litter the floor i am a dog - i tell them this honesty for artistry hideousness for beauty eyes that refuse to work unblinking unfearing unnerving me people in a mysterious place happiness and magic i stare in awe i dream some things are impossible reality always gets the last laugh: i'll never find your eden /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// disjointed smiles whispered tears poison and misery and madness and isolation struggling to make reality meet me half way nothing works coughs in the dark sorrow set to music fingers plucking heart strings plucking melodies from darkness from the bloat from the detachment shunned forgotten self-loathed children smile in dreams long gone dreams of history past a fairy tale hallucination my life is a series of weaknesses a series of hangover induced poems watch the clock tick imagine his hips working feel her slipping away into disgust there is no rescue there is no escape there is no salvation feeding holes within myself holes never filled drowned in alcohol and tears voids unfilled, just the same - - it's all the same "listen, i'm going to go.." "you do that, you're good at that." we cry as we kiss if we could care at all shivering in the dark shivering in disintegration you can have all that's left all there ever was if you could just show me joy show me happiness take me away into your eden your salvation cradled arms /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// i still haven't got any paper to print this on. i'll have to scrounge. i've known some girl named "heather" for some time now, a year or so. she read some things i had written some time ago, and we started talking. i left tapes of decent music in her driveway a few times out of boredom, and little words spelled out with sugarcubes. she ran away to college, and i never heard from her again. ah well. jim was here about a week ago, and we were both working on a bottle of vodka. the phone rang, and it was heather. she was back from college for two weeks, and wanted to see me. jim & i drove up there, swerving and drinking the entire way. we sat in her driveway and jim talked to her for awhile, i just avoided her. we drove off into the dark looking for entertainment, but all we managed to do is run out of alcohol. we drove back to my house and continued to drink, jim trying to convince her to have a sip or two.. after awhile, i had too much to drink. went and laid on the bed.. jim sat & geeked out on the computer. next thing i know, she's lying next to me. i start to stroke her hair, touch her face. she's on top of me, sticking her tongue down my throat. jim comes over and grins for what seems like hours.. starts to fondle her as she kisses me.. teli arrives with a plethora of alcohol. jim finds entertainment in a new bottle. she continues to work. teli leaves. jim leaves, goes to beth's house for marijuana. heather starts removing clothing. i'm still drunk - i don't know what to think; i can't think. my fingers somehow find their way inside of her.. i drive her home in the morning, still drunk. we kiss good byes, i drive home in some disillusionment. since then, i've seen her most every day. she turns out to be some fabulously well-to-do literature major. she makes me uncomfortable with my poorness. i keep questioning what she's trying to do, what she's trying to accomplish with me. she's mistaking my misery with some kind of artistry, i guess.. keeps telling me i'm a writer. yeah, yeah, yeah.. her father owns a bank, apparently. she was born in germany, and traveled all over the world as a child. never staying in any place for more than six months.. italy, switzerland.. lovely european accent.. wardrobe could buy me several automobiles.. in any event: she goes back to college in a few days, and then this finishes - whatever it is. other exciting news: a few days after this drunken encounter, teli got locked out of his house. i had to entertain him all day until someone could let him back in. we ended up going to some party, where this guy named eric wanted to have sex with me. he had been planning it for some time. he's a little 16 year old albino. whatever: we went. i sat in the car and drank a bit, to fortify myself against the crowds of people. i can't stand parties, i don't know why we were there.. as we walked through the parking lots (he lived in a condo development), i was accosted by jocks, yelling "faggot" out of their pretty white sports car.. i took a few more steps towards the door, "if these are the kind of people outside, why on earth am i going inside?" we turned around and left. we ended up going to a pool hall, playing for an hour or so. we were alright to begin with, but trips to the bathroom to hit off on the vodka soon impaired our skills. teli decided he was horny. "good for you," i told him. "let's call jill," he said, "we can take her back to your place and have sex with her." "you call jill, and you do what you want, i don't want any part of it." i ended up driving him to her house, it was right around the corner. he took several slugs to assure himself that he really was horny, then went inside. i sat in the car and drank.. forty-five minutes or so went by, and he came back out. jill was waiting for some friend of hers, and she couldn't go anywhere yet. i told him i was sick of sitting there, i wanted to go home. he went back inside, they both came out. i shifted my eyes around - i avoided her. she touched my hand, i took a sip. they went back in the house.. i sat around for an hour or so at my house, more shots & spiraling state of mind. i called to find out what the hell he was doing. he was, apparently, throwing up all over her, her house, her friend who had finally arrived.. i talked to her for a minute. i told her the truth - teli wanted to fuck her, i didn't want any part of it. she got offended and started yelling at me, she wasn't a whore, this and that. i don't blame her, really, but i just drove the car.. "i'm miserable, leave me alone, just leave me alone, you don't know anything about it.. you wouldn't understand." i hung up the phone, took it off the hook.. later that morning, i drove up to see heather. she didn't know what was going on. i just put my head in her lap, let her run her fingers through my hair.. drove home, had more to drink, went to sleep. these have been the past few days. what fun, what joy, what misadventure. jim's finally looking for a house - - too bad i'm dirt poor. i can't afford a deposit & i can barely make the rent besides. we'll see what happens. i'm just waiting for her to leave, so i can enjoy the whole "spiraling death" situation that has been happening with my moods. she told me she was in love with me last night - - she doesn't even know me. i'm gentle and i'm sad, i hold her and listen to her stories, her worries, everything else. is this what people want? is this all it takes?.. all i've got to do is keep my mouth shut, i guess, let them have the little fantasy that they concoct for themselves. reality ruins everything. jill called a few days after the vomit fiasco - i wasn't around to answer. i guess she cares about me in some way, but i don't really know why. she's never understood, i don't think she ever will. we're too caustic, anyway.. hmm. you are..? chet is..? work is..? things are..? etc. etc. etc. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// got to get these thoughts down so that maybe just maybe i can put them to rest nights spent in dreamlessness remorse longing for jill longing for anyone it's not even her is it? i don't know so alone so alone just want to be held just that tiny contact a bit of humanity anything contemplating shots before bedtime to clear my mind let me rest in peace maybe? no i'm not that lucky so cold so hungry starving for touch god fractions of a second anything anything anything i can get /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// save me from this hell the day to day the grind the fucking steel mill drama the quest for fire the wheels the smoke the haze /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// i know what it's all about, baby i figured it all out it's all about falling into love or falling into death take your pick they both go to the same place in the end in the end /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// so, heather is gone. just as well, i was starting to notice she was a little girl.. beth (an old girlfriend) came over last night for some casual sex. it was tolerable, but i have to look back and ask myself, "why'd i do that?" i was relieved when she left. two mechanical geniuses are trying to fix the brakes on my car. they've been trying for three or four days now. $200 in parts later, and it's about the same as it was before this all began. i just wish i could go out for food - i'm starving. teli and i went out with boltcutters to his college again, and acquired another $2000 worth of computer equipment. cutting the security cable was a bitch, let me tell you. but for the trouble, i get a new printer, and a few other odds and ends. yay. maybe i'll see some money when we sell off the parts. jim's found a house, the rent is dirt cheap. too bad we can't move in until the middle of october.. hurry up and fix my car, damn it. i'm bored and lonely, but it's mostly just boredom. i'm not even really depressed yet. we'll see how long this lasts.. mmm. not much more to say, really. i'm just sitting around, waiting for checks to come in the mail. i keep telling myself, "i need to get a job," but that's about as far as i get with the idea. i haven't looked at the "help wanted" ads in eight months.. teli keeps trying to shove college on me, which i suppose is a good thing. i'm unfortunately very stubborn and unenthused with the idea, so the conversations never really get anywhere. i know what's going to happen: i'm going to be head fry-cook. a college degree isn't going to change that. i haven't got enough patience or determination to endure everything needed to get a degree, anyway. and this is besides the fact that i'm completely uninterested in.. well.. most everything. well, whatever: i'm more than prepared to lie about education. i just can't figure out what kind of a degree i should give myself. something in computer science? maybe literature? decisions, decisions. bored bored bored. ú ùþ ú ú þù ú ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²² ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û VapourWare BBS: 61/3-429-8510 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û underworld_1995.com 514/683-1894 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ RipCo ][: 312/528-5020 ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ etext.archive.umich.org ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ÝÛ²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ³ TANJ Mailing Address ³ ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ ³ PO Box 174 ³ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ ³ Seaside Hts, NJ ³ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ³ 08751 ³ ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú tanj@pms.metronj.org ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ TANJ Distribution List: Send mail to talmeta@cybercomm.net to be added to the TANJ-DL!